I Loved You First

It’s dark when I wake up. I mean that in more ways than one.

I feel his whispers in the darkness and I open to his love that is nudging me to let him in. A familiar energy slips itself inside of me. Joy. I’m what we call alive, whereas moments before I was living elsewhere, dreaming.

Another day full of minutes and hours remembering him awaits. I look for evidence of him everywhere, all day long.

I feel him on the floor beneath my feet and drop to my knees to thank him for the ground I walk on.

I walk into the hallway and hear him in the soft thudding of eight little kitten feet trying to catch up with me, and he reminds me as I switch on the hallway light that he’s always there, following me around, illuminating beauty and truth as it shows up in things like the stairs I am about to descend.

I see evidence of his visit the night before strewn across the living room, and as I put the chaos back in order I hear his giggles and see his joy played out on couch cushions and rugs rearranged to make ramps and forts.

The kitchen smiles back at me, and in a shared sigh shows me all that was done for my family. He was there in every bite and swallow, glad to fill bellies large and small, making sure that crumbs were left for the tiniest creatures to enjoy at their leisure.

In the quiet I make room for him beside me in my comfy chair next to purring babies. I feel him fill me up and strengthen me as I tie broken thoughts to the ends of their beginnings that dangle from heaven. They will anchor me in his love before the waves and the whirlwinds catch me off guard.

And then he sends me the sun – the crowning moment of new beginnings. And as the rays of light meet my gaze through the bay window, there is an exchange – one that I must understand and remember if my day will be meaningful and happy:

“I am the source of all light, God says, whether it be from the sun that warms the ground you walk on and dig in to sustain life, or the light that is in hope and joy. I am in the dark clouds and stormy days. I’m always there. See me first before anything else and you will never be alone in the world. I’ll wrap my arms around you and share the journey with you like nobody else. That is why I gave you the morning – to remind you that I loved you first. Thank you for remembering me. Carry on.”

Happy Valentine’s Day tomorrow!

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